How To Get Out Of Your Head During Sex

how to stop being so in your head during sex

If you ever find your mind wandering during sex, or struggle to really feel present and in the moment, you're not alone. Maybe your mind is filled with anxious thoughts, or worries about how your body looks, if what you're doing is 'right', or whether you're going to orgasm. This is a common experience among people of all genders, sexualities and people of varying sexual experience (whatever you consider that to be). Not being present means you're not able to enjoy sex as much - and sex is meant to be enjoyable, after all.

So how can you get out of your head during sex and just be in the moment? Gemma Cribb, a sex therapist, psychotherapist and author of Great Sexpectations (Trigger Publishing) explains how to be more mindful during sex, how to get out of your head, and how to really enjoy it.

1. Set the scene

Many people have difficulty switching off from the things going on in their life to truly focus on the sexual experience. One way to help us transition from daily life into the bedroom is to engage in a self care ritual and set the scene before sex. Just like when we go on a date, having a shower, putting on perfume and getting into something that feels sexy to us will help our mind begin to focus on what is to come, not what has happened during the day.

a person in bed staring into the distance

Peyton Fulford

Similarly, just like when we prepare our houses for having guests over, creating an environment that feels sexy to us by doing things like making the bed, lighting candles, and putting on music will give the experience a sense of the out-of-ordinary, which will help improve our focus and absorption in it.

2. Connect in to your body

If you think about where we want to focus during sex, it is on our physical experience and on the connection we are having with our sexual partners. To get out of our head, many of us need to do some things before sex that help us tune in to our bodies.

A relaxing shower, massaging yourself (or each other), even doing some stretches or meditating on your breath can help you let go of thoughts of the day and other external distractions and focus inwards on your embodied experience.

If you can't do these things because of time or other restrictions, gently encouraging increased awareness of your bodily sensations as you move about before sex can be helpful.

Trigger Publishing

3. Make eye contact

It's hard to be anywhere else in your mind when you are holding your partner's gaze. Making the effort to open our eyes during sex can help us stay present, connected with our partner and responsive to the changes in mood and energy of the experience.

In some Tantric traditions, couples have been encouraged to spend time sitting opposite each other, silently holding each other's gaze and breathing together as a prelude to sex. Doing this for a few minutes before sex, as a paired meditation practice, can really help us connect with our partner and clear our head before sex.

4. Talk

In films, couples are rarely seen talking during sex. There's an assumption that if we really knew our partner we shouldn't have to ask what they like, or tell them what we are into. Although we do learn what our partners preferences are, making the effort to get into the habit of communicating during sex can help us stay present and out of our minds.

Giving positive feedback ("I love that!") or guidance ("I'd love it if you could do that harder") and asking for feedback and guidance can keep us focused on our and our partner's embodied experience.

Catarina Inacio

5. Don't stick to a routine

When we get into habit and routine we can check out of the experience, not pay attention or sometimes even not remember it at all. We've all had the experience of driving or walking a familiar route and not actually remembering the trip. Similarly, if we always follow the same routine during sex we can get into bad habits of letting our minds drift elsewhere and not paying attention to or remembering the experience.

Experimenting with playing out fantasies, trying different sex positions or locations, or taking different roles (such as 'giver' or 'receiver') can introduce some novelty and keep us out of our heads.

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